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Because things have been transforming in me and in this space as of late, I'm going to be tinkering and toying around with how this little space looks. Don't be surprised if it looks differently from one day to the next.
Let the sun shine again, and ... let the commenting begin!
peder & annie's baby
31 December 2007
new year, new look
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14 comments:
I. Love. This. New. Look.
Breathtaking.
I loved the old look, too, but how fitting it is for the new white backdrop and new beautiful graphic header and new book recommendations along the sidebar with all the new realizations you've walked through these past few weeks.
Love it, love it, love it.
And so glad for the comments! Again, how fitting.
When I mentioned on Lattes that I have whole lists of topics I can't wait to delve into more deeply with you, one of them made that list today/yesterday in the reading of this last big post on Clouds, where you mentioned that it's only been this last year or so that you've begun to give life to your heart. (At least, I think it was here on Clouds; I confess right now the two blogs are blurring together in my mind, so rich and richly connected is the content on both!) I look forward to the part of our unending conversation in which I get to ask you to share about that unfolding with me in greater detail, in terms of what caused it and what the past seven years have been like for you.
No pressure, of course. Not like that's a big subject or something. :)
Ahh, my friend, how blessed I am to know you and count you among those most dear to me. Love to you always, and especially on this new year's eve night.
Thank you, Christianne! It is so appropriate that you should be the first to stop by and leave a comment in this space. I am glad you did! :o)
Changing the look seemed appropriate as the places to which I thought I was being led have changed and all these new & exciting things are unfolding.
I think it was in this space that I described the life of my heart. I could write pages & pages on that matter, but in a nutshell ... I grew into it as God broke it. It was never anything deliberate of course ... just defaulting to that whole leaning on my own intellect & understanding thing. But there's a lot more "there there" as you might imagine. ;o)
Happy New Year to you & your loved ones!
It had to be a really hard decision to open this space up for comments Kirsten. I know that I tend to have gaps in my armor where matters of faith are concerned and when people hurt you in these places it's like no other pain. You're really brave.
Having said that, I'm really glad to be able to have a dialogue with you about your thoughts about God. I'm really interested in your story about diving into the Catholic faith and the places you found it unbalanced, but also the valuable treasures you found there. I left the Catholic church when I was fourteen (you'll be reading about that soon) and I was really angry at the church at that time. But in recent years I have found a lot of beautiful little treasures there, especially in the contemplative traditions.
I'm also really envious of your re-design. I'm artistic at heart but kind of techno-retarded, so I'm less than happy with my blog look but totally clueless about how to change it. *sigh*
Anyway, I see that I am going to have to carve out more thoughtful time to really hear what you have to say. Bless you sister.
Dear Kirsten, lovely sister in Christ, beautiful child of God.
I have been following your story, both here and on Lattes, and have been praying for you as you’ve searched for the “right” path to the innermost heart of God over the past couple months. At times I felt like our two journeys had begun at opposite ends—you were contemplating a change to Catholicism as a step of deeper faith; I had left it 20 years ago, believing it to be a hindrance for me some nine years after finding the most deeply personal, loving, trusting relationship with my God I had ever dreamed possible or experienced within my entire life before as a Catholic.
Reading through your journey, I recently asked myself some of the same questions you were newly contemplating…and began wondering--perhaps I had missed something back then in my own quest for a family of fellow believers, a place of faith where I could feel centered in the heart of my Lord and God. How thoroughly I recalled so many of the exact same words and rituals of the Catholic belief as you shared them—words and rituals that had been written and stamped upon the memory of my childhood. And you are right—the Baltimore Catechism has not changed much since the days of its required memorization during my Catholic school days of the 1960’s. But what seemed a comfort for you and others—the unchanging faith and history of belief it showed, still brought an overwhelming sadness over me as I read them, remembering the experience of sharing so many, many years of seemingly empty rote recitation of prayers and liturgical responses with the rest of “the faithful” before I “found Jesus.”
Much of the scripture readings and the origins and reasons for the sacraments did take on new splendor and deeper meaning when experienced in light of my knowing my God and Savior in a new and personal way after 1976 -- praise God! -- but upon re-reading the catechism from your link and seeing what the Church still expects of its faithful, a full allegiance and belief in what I now consider mere trappings and near hindrances rather than paths to the very heart and nature of God, I heard and felt the empty ring in my soul all over again and knew I had chosen the right way to God--for me. I continued to pray for you to find your way to His presence and His most perfect will for you through each new post, and thought perhaps if you entered the Catholic faith from a different place, a place of already knowing God so personally, it would help you have a deeper, fuller Catholic faith than I had found possible for me till I ultimately left the Church in 1987.
I cried and cried, sometimes sobbing aloud, upon reading your post of December 30th, “A New Kind of Clarity.” I’m crying again now, dear girl, as I pray for your continuing journey into His will, entering it as you are with all the deepest recesses of your tender heart available to Him. You are a beautiful, honest, pure, and loving soul…may He continue to bind up the wounded parts of your young life and grant you the desires of your heart. Someday, perhaps even now, you may thank Him, as I so often do, even for the unanswered prayers, or for the times He lovingly whispered, “No, my child, not now; trust me.”
Loving Him along side of you,
“Momma Sue” – Christianne’s mom
Terri - Oh yes. There are gaps in this armor. I've learned the hard way [the way I learn all the lessons that really stick] that being open is being open to being wounded or, on the other hand, beautifully blessed.
Your comment about being "techno-retarded" made me laugh out loud! I feel like I really don't know much, I just play & sometimes get lucky. You should see what ends up in the recycle bin on my computer!
I do bring a lot with me from what I learned about the Catholic faith. Primarily what I bring with me falls more into a "self-discovery" than a theology or faith category. God used what I gave Him in order to break my heart in such a way that I was ultimately driven back to His arms, trusting that all the Canon Law and theology and catechism in the world is no substitute for being able to run to our Abba and fling ourselves wholly into His arms. I really had no idea before this little journey that I was so selective about when I engaged my heart in life, in faith, & in worship. I feel as though I have been through the fire, but now my heart is more open and alive than ever before. If this is what it took, then I am happy to have offered it.
Thanks for visiting me here, too. I love your insights & observations, what you offer & bring to my world.
Love to you, new friend!
Momma Sue -- Oh, how you make me weep!! (much like your wonderful & beautiful daughter). If you were here, I would rush to hug you and hold on tight & not let go. I am so thankful you've taken the time to comment here, to share your beautiful heart so openly.
Christianne shared with me briefly about being raised for a time in the Catholic church and her experiences there. I think what got me so excited at first was the continuity, the definition, the parameters that were so clearly articulated and understood. As I shared here, I tend to default to leaning on the intellectual, trusting my own understanding. But I am so very certain know that all that is inadequate where God is concerned.
I tried for so long [as I'm sure you observed here] to force the fit since at the time, it seemed to be making sense and helping me understand things. But then my heart became so thoroughly broken & without trying to make sense of it or make it fit, I ran straight to the arms of Jesus, my Yahweh, my Abba. I found there was a place for me there, which I suppose I knew all along. If God used this deviation from the faith I knew to break my heart so that it might be fully & wholly His, then I welcome it. I fully welcome it. I am more alive to Him than ever, & love that He doesn't fit in my boxes, into laws, rules, or cateogories, that He loves surprising our socks of & defying even our grandest expectations.
I am so very, very glad that God directed my path & brought me back to the place where I started, but brought me back wholly new. My heart is more His than it ever was, my heart more fully alive. It is such a joyous place to be.
I do sincerely & humbly thank you for stopping here and since you are so far away, offer you a virtual *hug* for now.
[my wonderful aunt & uncle live in your neck of the woods, so if I am down there again sometime, I will be sure to look you up]. :o)
Love to you,
kirsten
Kirsten -
While I was reading you post, I was reminded of a thought on "journey" I had a while back. I struggled with depression throughout my life, and on my first big experience with it, when I wrestled with some big life questions, I realized that I didn't know where I would end up - I had no clue where this journey would take me. However, as I wrote before, sometimes, when we go on a journey, we end up in an entirely new place. Sometimes we go on a journey and end up at home again, the same person, and yet so changed, never being able to go back to the person we were before.
I am so grateful for your sharing about what this journey has been for you - despite knowing that you would receive opposition from those close to you. Sometimes God takes us places that are confusing to us, and to others, but I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8 - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
He takes us places that we don't understand, but we learn and experience things there that we could not have learned anywhere else. I often tell people that the hardest time I went through was when I dealt with depression, and I don't ever want to deal with it again, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade that experience for anything, because it makes me who I am today. I hear much of that resonating through your posting as well.
Love you so much my friend - next time I'm up in Bellingham, we'll have to get together.
Love to you also, Ilse! And thank you for sharing from your own experience. It's amazing how God can take those opportunities we bring to Him to reshape us & mold us to make Him more like Himself.
And I know what you mean about not wanting to go through it again, but you wouldn't trade it.
Either would I.
love to you!!
I've just stumbled upon your beautiful words and have been soaking in your words...something in my (I think it is God) is telling me to tell you to remember...just be...a comfortable way to talk to Him would be as if you are still little...a little girl...like a child...and just talk from your heart...He listens...
I don't know if this resonate with you...but the voice was quite urging me to write that..
I can feel your spirit...and your aliveness...I love your passion!
xx
Thank you, Periwinkle. Those words do resonate with me deeply. I have been relearning to come to Him with childlike abandon ... thank you for your sweet & beautiful words. :o)
Hey there. I've been behind in reading this. And I am so thankful for the comment section. Many times my heart cried out in resonance with yours and I wanted you to know it. This is a blessed gift from you, to let it be.
I love the sidebar, and this too reflects things I was hoping for you... that somehow this would become a place of deep celebration... I really wanted that for you and I guess I wanted it for me too, because I felt that there was so much you were about to break open and experience. Deeper things borne out of awe and not simply struggle. (Not that struggle has no place... you know I am not shy about sharing struggles, yes?)
The header is inspiring. Though I found the other inspiring too. Just in a different way. And you are reading Norris! So glad you found her, and I'll have to poke through to see if you've written on her work at all.
Oh my, how long this comment is going on. It just shows how joyful I am to be here again, and how joyful I am about being invited to speak!
As always, blessings on your journey.
Okay. So I'm caught up. In two ways... I read all the back entries I'd missed... and I'm so touched by your journey. Thanks for your frankness. I think I can always expect that from you. It is a special quality you possess.
Thank you so much for sharing, Laura. I am so happy to lighten the space here, to allow comments, to feel free and unbounded, without restriction. It is so terribly ... free!! I always appreciate your insights, knowing they are borne of your own experiences and your own struggles and your own raw and unabashed honesty.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am happy to be here, & I am happy you come with me.
Kirsten,
I have finally caught up on reading your blog entries for the past couple months. Thanks for sharing so openly throughout your journey.
I am so glad that God used your journey to bring you closer to Himself and that you were able to hear Him prompting your heart and respond and follow Him back to your home church.
While God has used it for great good, I am sorry for the grief you experienced. I am especially sorry for the rigid and seemingly heart-less presentation of faith that was presented to you in your catechesis.
I know from earlier life experiences the pain and damage that can come from being a part of a (in my case, Protestant) community that thinks in such constricting black-and-white terms. You want to be good and accepted and loved by the community and by God but the formula that is given leaves out measures of grace and heart. I know for me, this left a deep wound and a constricting element in my life with which I still content. I am glad you did not live under it for long and that you responded when you heard your canary heart start to falter.
While I can't say I'm sorry you decided against the Roman Catholic confession, I am rather sad that the Roman faith came off so badly in the end in terms of their seeming lack of understanding of grace and heart. I am certainly no Papist and I would probably agree that the Roman church has tended at times to over systematized and rationalize the faith. On the other hand, there are Roman Catholic mystics and even Roman Catholic pentecostal communities and others within the Roman church who balance this out and who do understand grace and live out simple abandon to their Abba Father.
I think I feel this last point hit close to home because folks can tend to equate liturgical churches with dead, dry, graceless religion and I know that this is not a fair analysis, especially not in my own experience in the Orthodox Church. Thanks for pointing out in one of your posts that there are plenty of Catholics with free hearts who experience the fullness of God's grace. [I can't remember where you included that note now; the recent posts are all blending together in my mind.]
I am glad you are able to appreciate both the richness of historical Christian tradition and the joyful essential of simple trusting faith in God and His saving love. I look forward to seeing where God takes you from here. Thanks for letting me tag along with you as a reader of your story.
Main Entry: re·ju·ve·nate
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈjü-və-ˌnāt\
Function: verb
1 b: to restore to an original or new state
i'm finally caught up this far...
incredible. book worthy. page turner.
loved getting to know you by heart
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