The Heart of the Matter

Oh, how my heart loves to breathe! No longer requiring her to be silent, I am enjoying her presence and voice through my days. She is not as shy or tentative as I might have thought.

Last week's revelations have meant that I've encountered this week peacefully. My body is still tired and I still walk amidst ambiguity and mystery. I still have many questions and doubts continue to rise to the surface. But I know my heart is playing catch up, having not been invited until now to join me on this journey. I don't need to have a list of the answers neatly tucked away, and I don't have to be in possession of perfect clarity.

And so I find that this is a good time to pause on my path, remove the rucksack and stop for sustenance and rest. All journeys require rest along the way, a warm, hearty meal and a night at an inn under warm covers. Without it, the wayfarer becomes exhausted and depleted, her bones cold and her muscles stiff. Without rest, she is more likely to be disillusioned with her path and give up altogether.

I am less certain than ever about where this exploration will lead. My intellect continues to trust the knowledge it has obtained, but my heart is less certain about embracing this strange new thing. I need time to know if this is because her lack of engagement in this process means she needs time to catch up, or if she has her own reasons for holding back. I'm pausing to listen to her and honor her wisdom, knowing she is not opposed to my intellect, but just operates differently.

So I feel my chest rise with deep breathing, stretching and flexing this muscle that has gone too long without use. Don't hurry. Rest. Take in your surroundings.

I am typically someone who is more interested in destinations than in journeys, more invested in answers than the questions that lead to them. I will pay lip service to the process, but am really after the result. It could be argued that the result is the point, after all.

After this week I say, maybe not. Maybe the journey is just as much the point as the destination is. Even should you end where you started, you come back an explorer. You come back having seen new lands, experienced new things. You come home changed.

I don't know if that's what will happen. The truest thing I can say right now is that I just don't know. Put up your feet awhile dear heart, and unlace your boots. Stay awhile under this roof and get your bearings. Take in a good meal and sleep as long as you need.

Breathe.

That is my heart speaking. It's good to have her with me again.