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I am feeling awake and alive these days; it is a return I've anticipated. I can taste, feel, smell, and enjoy again. I can appreciate beauty and move freely. I actually ran up the stairs today, skipping steps to retrieve my laundry. It was glorious!!
While I have no desire to go back to a place where I feel empty and drained and sluggish and heavy, I don't want to lose my grip on the truth of how truly bereft, how terribly empty I am without Christ to fill me. Things that I thought came from myself like the ability to extend basic kindnesses or to practice selflessness really don't originate anywhere within me. They start with Him.
It was never more clear than when I had nothing in myself to call upon: it starts with Him. I'm not sure how to say it in a way that doesn't sound trite or pithy. But after starting each day at the end of myself, I got a crash course on leaning into Him moment by moment.
I am already seeing the ways in which I am defaulting to old habits and ways of being. I find that when I can lean upon myself, I do. When I insist on being strong, it invariably limits the ways in which the power of God can be made perfect in my weakness. Leaning into Him more fully is a lesson I am learning and one I suspect that I will continue to learn and re-learn over the course of my life.
If anything, I'm perceiving with greater clarity how concurrently painful and beautiful it is to let go, and how ready He is to fill us when we finally do.
peder & annie's baby
21 June 2008
leaning. learning. letting go.
photo © 2008 jen fox photography
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12 comments:
Wowo. You fit so much truth into those few words that i don't even know where to start. Maybe I'll just leave it at "wowo" (pronounced "wow-oh").
glorious-ing through it all with you!
it is all about this and that and the space in between.
isn't it?
i.feel.this.pic.
like we're part of the same body or something ;)
Praise God!
sarah - i'll take that wowo. i feel like what i have are the beginnings of lessons. i wouldn't say "i've learned", but i will say "i'm learning".
awareness is something, isn't it? ;o)
di - thank you for being here & walking (sometimes sitting!) with me through this journey.
the space in between ... yes!!
i feel you, di. i so feel you!! and yeah, we're all part of that one body.
praise him!!
i love that you're learning this right now. i love it both for you (your growth and freedom), but i also love it for us . . . because it means you are sharing with us things that also help US grow.
in other words, i am learning this right now, too. when i feel discouraged, when i begin to doubt that letting go is really all that productive :), when i feel him gently asking to take some of my self-sufficiency from me so he can give out more of himself . . . i need to remember this, what you've shared here.
i love that image in my mind of you taking the stairs two steps at a time! really says a lot about your increase in energy these days. hooray! :)
oh dear, this is so true. truthfully, there doesn't seem to be any other way to learn this kind of dependence. at least, i don't seem to be able to learn it any other way. maybe i'm spiritually remedial, but i think it's generally so.
and i love the pic too. really love the pic.
christianne - thank you for your kind words, friend. i'm glad you find something in it that speaks to you, something that reminds & encourages you. like so many of the things i post here, it is the putting out there of it that reminds me of it, too.
love you, girl.
terri - if you're remedial, than i'm remedial too. we're in good company!! i tend to have two speeds in life: fast & stop (after i've smacked face-first into a wall). God has to pry my grip loose one white-knuckled finger at a time.
Really nice pic. The essence of rejoicing!
ok, i'm sorry but that gave me a really funny picture with great sound effects (WHAM, thud). i'm laughing so hard i almost swallowed my gum.
Preach it sister!!!! That was wonderful. Well done and BRAVO!!!
glad you were able to stand on the rail road tracks full of joy and were also able to skip to the lou for your laundry.
In life, we run parallel tracks at times with our emotions and moods. at times, they run smoothly and at times they are bumping. but both sides of the tracks are surrounded by the love of Jesus. Peace
Your green symbolizes the irish tradition and the renewal of life.
scott
That is such an important lesson for me to remember - right now i feel as if I am leaning on myself a lot of the time, and when I get anxious, I wonder why..... God reminds me over and over again that he is my constant and that he desires that intimacy with me.
When people renew their relationship with God, that's the only time it's more painful the memory of any past not so good memories that God would not have liked in us. However I hope to believe, when we continue with the renewal process our brain will get reformed and cleansed to forget.
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