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This is one of the first songs I remember singing after returning to my home church and has long been a favorite of mine. I can't stop singing it around the house this week ...
peder & annie's baby
18 January 2008
stuck in my head
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28 comments:
I listened to this song, I like it. I keep diving in to your blogs to find what nuggets are lying around there that I can steal away while I am on my treasure hunt. You have a verse there posted from Psalms ---Lord give me an undivided heart. Oh God, amen. I keep soaking in some of the things you have written. So much you have expressed about love. Awesome, so true, so true. I remember the days when God would say those very things to me. He is more interested in my love walk than anything else. This is a bit of a rabbit trail but it also reminded me of the times that God would just tell me plainly I am more interested in changing your character than I am in you establishng a flawless testimony before men. In short He would say I am more interested in saving you than you saving the world for Me. This was a simple but profound statement to me. I would go to God time and time again weeping over getting angry and snapping at someone or I said a curse word or I wasn't totally honest with someone. Finally I had to just let it go and let God handle my mistakes, if people thought I was a hypocrite so be it. I know God wants us to live a pure-hearted life before men but only He can truly show someone our heart. I heard someone say once in reference to Christians "People don't want perfection they want sincerity." That statement set me free I realized that I am the one demanding perfection of myself to prove that I am a Christian, but what people need to see is real, flawed people who admit they don't have it all together and they don't have all the answers. I did not mean to sound preachy, truly I was just thinking out loud of the days when it used to be me and God. The things you wrote reminded me of what seems to be a lifetime ago when I really walked with God. I don't know where I am anymore, I don't go to church anymore. I work every Sunday and it has become just another day of the week to me. I am crying at this very second because I miss God. These blogs have become the only "church" that I can relate to anymore. Man I talk too much.
No, Tammy, you don't. Talk too much, I mean. Wow, what you said about God being more interested in our character than in establishing a flawless testimony before men really hit me. I spend too much time trying to put all the pieces together so everything fits just right. Love you, sister. You're getting there. God is moving. That is so evident.
Kirsten, hi. :) You know I love Chris Tomlin, so I don't need to go into that, BUT. I will say: I love that this song has been playing in your head since you went back to Christ the King. There is something so precious and revealing about that. Love to you this weekend evening!
Oh! And I just realized you are on your Big Night Out in Seattle for your birthday. Hope it was every bit of wonderful and yummylicious that you deserve, and that your body felt rested and able to handle the excitement. :)
Whoo-hoo!
'Nuff said.
;)
Tammy,
I can't begin to tell you how much it honors me that you find such deep connection with what I write here, and that you express how it touches you so thoughtfully. As a writer, nothing could possibly touch me more or mean more to me.
I love how you share how God spoke to you; I love how you interjects Himself so miraculously, yet so seamlessly, into our lives and our everydays. It's so meaningful, and we never forget when He does it.
His words to you are Truth, about how He wants to change your character. He wants your heart and soul to be His first; then from that will flow that testimony, your very existence will be that testimony when your heart & soul are truly His.
And He knows your heart, He sees your tears, and I believe He gathers & treasures every single one of them. As do I, sister. I can't believe the gift you give to me just by sharing your heart here. You are so precious, in His sight & in mine, sister. You are so, so loved.
Christianne -- I know you are a Tomlin fan! I had no idea how many songs of his I knew until I was searching for the lyrics to this one. We sing so many of them at church. And if I had to choose a theme song for my return to church, this would be it. The one lyric I repeat to God over & over & over again is "You are my reward". He is my pearl of great price, He IS my reward!! Who could ask for anything more?!!?
Sarah -- Glad you liked it!!!! ;o)
Hello my new found companion
Greetings from the South or maybe my newly discovered planet, I am not sure what page I am on yet.
I know you all are wondering about Nate. Don't let him fool ya, he is a "cracker" too. I told him I was going to rat him out, spread out some of his dirt. I said look at you, all meek and humble (which he is, that is why I love him), but you haven't seen him when we both get on this lamenting page at the same time. When Nathan gets frustrated or ill at his life he sings. Not always as unto the Lord in spiritual songs and hymns either. I am telling on him... you should see him all ill walking around the house singing "I'm in love with a stripper." I do not know this song and I don't think he does either.. I just hear that one line over and over and this silly dance he does. Stay tuned for more dirt on Nate.........
In my defense . . .
Should I really defend myself against such baseless accusations? Normally I would not. But this is Tammy we're talking about.
Tammy is bent on turning this Northern dude into a full-blown, confederate-flag-toting, southern hillbilly. While I admit that I have been pitching my tent here longer than I had anticipated, I have not fully succumbed to the many pitfalls that attend living here.
Sure, they've got me sayin "y'all" from time to time. [I should point out that I have much love for the South and its people, so don't feel like I'm knockin it.] But I don't think I fit the profile as of yet.
Besides, the lingo down here is a lot different than up North. Do you know that when someone asks for a Coke down here that he or she could be referring to any number of carbonated beverages? Shocking, huh? Where I'm from, when we wanna be generic, we will just ask what kinda pop you want. Even the term "cracker" has been redefined down here. It carries a much different (prolly more negative) sense where I'm from.
Now, about that stripper thing. It is true I have sung that song. BUT it became ingrained in my head because this girl I know starred in the video. So, it was kind of a mocking thing at first. Then, when I became frustrated at someone entirely different (and in a much different sense), I would start singing it in snide reference to the offending party.
Tammy, just remember, throwing mud will only lead to losing ground. And you need that to stand on. Surely you didn't expect these people of such outstanding social standing and grace to take your vicious words seriously? They all know they can hang their hats on my halo. :)
Now, Tammy, on to truer and more serious matters . . . Did I ever tell yall bout the time Tammy broker her back raking leaves? Yeah, she fell out of the tree.
Love you too Tammy. Thanks for bustin me out like that.
Oh, I am loving this playful hanging out of the dirty laundry...it's kind of the love language of my closest group of friends. We say the most outrageously nasty things to each other in the spirit of fun and teasing. Sometimes it gets to be kind of a contest (one that I never really have the stomach to win) but my husband and one of my other friends are always taking it to a new level of absurdity.
Now, since this is Kirsten's spiritual blog, I'll tell you how I think this reflects something holy. You're just on the edge of your seats, aren't you? I think that when you get to the point with a group of people where you can just about say anything to each other without the fear of judgment you have touched on something heavenly. When you can sing about strippers and know that your friend will not turn away, it creates a safe context to begin peeling back all of the protective layers that keep you from God. Just my two cents. Love you guys.
Sorry Kirsten
We are starting a blog war on your comments.
Nate you are so silly. I see how you are. Ha. Ha. I am not starting a war with you, you always win.
Terri
On a really serious note. I could say amen to that but it would not do justice to the reality of what you said. Wow. I told Nate I was going to write a blog and title it, me, in the nude. I have not done that yet, not that you all have not found me half dressed before, I think you have. I am not joking with that I am serious. It is strange and wonderful how much I feel free to talk to you and the other guys (gals, no sexism intended). In such a short time I have connected with you all in a very deep way. When I told Nate about that stripper comment I said do you think they get offended like this is course jesting or something? He laughed and said no. I am OCD about offending people. I don't know if that is good or bad, it kinda keeps me sensitive to people's feelings, or I try to be. I think I would rather die than hurt someone's feelings, I guess because I have gotten my feelings crushed so many times. That is my fault though I should not wear my feelings on my sleeve. That was a rabbit trail from the whole offensive thing, bear with me, I am coming to some kind of point here. I am so glad you made that comment you don't know how much pressure those words lift off of the shoulders of the laden. So if I say something stupid in my twisted sense of humor I think you will forgive me.
Tammy, I think being afraid of offending someone is only a problem when it keeps you from sharing your true self. Which, I confess, is my problem. But one that I'm growing out of, thank God.
I love what Terri said about being able to peel back protective layers and just be ourselves. Amen, sister, to that!
Tammy and Nathan, your exchange here of airing each other's dirty laundry was so hilarious. I love the friendly teasing you guys have between you. So funny, so fun, and so loving.
Kirsten, your words to Tammy were AMAZING. So full and ripe. I love the love and grace you extended her with those words, and I love knowing you extend that to all of us.
I find it wonderful that we've all hijacked Kirsten's blog comments. :)
Kirsten
I know we have been playing around here on your blog, but on a serious note, thank for the kind words you shared here they were taken to heart.
Peace and love....safe trip....
I love it, I love it, keep up the good work all!! Absolutely no need to apologize. :o) You guys totally make me laugh, & I love it. I love the witty banter & repartee and absolutely agree with what Terri said -- when we are able to be fully ourselves & not hold back for fear of causing offense, then I think that is something heavenly & beautiful.
I know I'm kind of showing up late to my own party here (doing my best to keep my head above water at work after a most unexpected week off), but I am happy that this space & all our blogs can become for us a place to peel back those layers & put ourselves out thre as truly and honestly as we can. I'll be honest: if you catch me when I'm frustrated, you're not going to hear the holiest of language. When I'm really, incredibly tired, I either get insanely silly or incredibly cranky, liable to snap at anyone or anything. Of course I always strive to be as honest as possible here, but one of the disadvantages to this blogworld is that we can present an image that's as polished or as honest & unflinching as we choose for it to be.
Personally, I'm kind of honored that this would happen here. It reminds me of how I interact with my siblings & my closest friends, the people with whom I am myself completely (even when it gets ugly, which let's face it ... it sometimes does!) and continue to love me anyway.
So keep up the good work, my friends. I'm enjoying every minute of it!!!
Tammy, I'm really glad that you're feeling that permission and freedom to just be silly or angry or whatever. It makes me feel good too, to know that I have that same permission. I need it, believe me. I'm no angel, and sometimes because of my "titles" I feel the pressure of having to appear a certain way. Most of the time I'm surrounded by people who are OK with that, but every once in a while I get a backlash and it hurts. I'm no different than anyone else: just as prone to mistakes and the emotional fallout that come with it. I have the same sensation you're describing...wondering if people are reading this stuff and judging me. So I'm really loving that there is this gracious space to just be myself. It's good.
Amen, sister (Terri). I was just drafting a new post and was thinking, oh no, they're going to be SO SICK of having to hear this crap from me again (nasty internal dialogue!!). And maybe somem people will be, maybe someone will leave a comment that's trite or exasperated or not leave a comment at all. I don't know. but i'm happy to know and to trust that my friends will come alongside me and somehow still get it even if they don't fully get it, that they'll give me the permission to be in a place that's not pretty and just sit there with me for awhile.
and that's good.
Can I just say : this conversation happening here is SO GOOD for me to hear right now. I'm dealing with some of my own pressures of living up to images in my mind, and I was just thinking today how much I love this community but also am aware that there's a limit to how much we see of each other's real stuff because we write what other people get to see. I love that Tammy and Terri initiated the conversation about being our real selves, and I love that Kirsten followed that up with her own examples of what happens when she's at her most real. :)
So, for purposes of sharing my true self, you should know that I am cranky, cranky, cranky in the morning if I don't get to get out of bed on my body's own timeclock. I drove Kirk to school this morning (we have one car between us, and this month he has a morning class while mine's in the afternoon), and boy was I snipey! He was more fully awake than me, and he kept trying to make me laugh with jokes. I shot him some zinger stares. My laughter was pitiful and forced. I just wanted to be in bed, not driving a car down crowded Semoran Blvd., missing the green lights I need. When I came more fully awake, I felt badly for my grump. And told him so. But still: be forwarned of me in the A.M.!
Kirsten, I love what you shared about what happens when you're tired, not only because I'm preparing my whole self to receive and enjoy your whole self next week (and therefore love knowing everything about you!), but also because it's exactly the same with me. When I'm really tired (like I am right now), I can get short, with no energy for anything, not even the dignity of a response in conversation, or I can get so hyped up on silly that I'm pitching a giggle fit and cracking my own self up all over the place. Kirk finds this highly amusing. He laughs along with me (though for totally different reasons) and says, "Okay. Here we go." That's when I know I'm going to that insanely silly place, because he sees it. It also registers just how tired I actually am.
Other places I can get not so pretty? In traffic. Behind slow people. At long lights. (See a theme here?) Oh, and when the internet takes forever to load. :)
Friends,
Being your real self is of no benefit if you're dead. Which brings me to the next country song Tammy has taught me (this time by forced revelation).
We hung out the other night. And thrice she tried to take my life. No lie. We came out of a bookstore. She was driving and was engrossed in conversation, so when she decided to merge over, she was oblivious to the on-coming traffic.
By sheer animalistic instinct, I grabbed the wheel and steered us from impending doom (thank God for my mongoose-like reflexes). Simultaneously, I began to sing "Jesus Take the Wheel." True story. I didn't realize I knew country songs like that.
But that's not the full of it. Jesus and I grappled for the wheel a couple more times that same night. Apparently Tammy had no use for it. It showed me how weak my faith is. I didn't even trust Jesus with the wheel. I was like, "Jesus take the wheel, but I'm not about to sit this one out in case You are tryin to be funny." :|
We made it home. And I'm still here, hence the comment. True story.
Oh, Christianne!! I am beginning to realize that we are more alike than I knew!! :o) I am glad to hear that someone else can fall anywhere on the spectrum between utter silliness & total disdain for everything/everyone else when she gets to be super tired. I am no angel, I promise you.
You should have seen me on my birthday. I took the doctor's orders to stay home with my [stupid] 101 fever with some alacrity, but then I got home. And here I was, alone again, feeling crummy & feverish on this big birthday I was looking forward to so much. My sis called & asked about plans for that evening & I SNAPPED. I unleashed my frustration & anger & resentment at being home alone & sick on my birthday. Obviously not her fault & obviously something over which I exerted no control. But I was still angry & felt like I had a right to be. Sis sees that "real me" quite a bit. Oh, she could tell you stories!!
Nate, I don't know how you manage to weave in humor, country music, & profound spiritual implications into one and the same comment, but you certainly manage it here. I totally get you on the taking the wheel thing. There are areas where it's easy enough to relinquish control (can't change the weather? OK!), and others where I try and grapple for it even though it does me absolutely no good (currently drafting a post for the other blog around this topic) & any control I maintain is strictly delusional. Oh yeah. I get there sometimes.
But yes ... sometimes by sheer instinct, we grab it when Jesus might be up to something funny. And then we can draw these truths from it and wonder what it might mean for us & how that truth might change us.
Oh, Kirsten, my dear, I so feel you on that story about your birthday. Right there with you, girl. Woulda done the same thing. Only I would have convulsed in tears, drowning my cell phone in salty water.
Nate, you had me busting UP!! Seriously love the way you tell stories. Oh my gosh, I think I get your humor like RIGHT. Thanks for sharing that. I loved the peek it gave me into Tammy's personality a little more, and also your great storytelling ability, once again. :)
Can I just say that I am once again feeling the urge to gather us all in one geographic area and have a love-church-fest??? Sigh.
*big deep sigh*
Hi, my name is Terri and I'm not nearly as witty and poetic and kind as I sometimes appear in blogland. Sometimes I just wanna take a nap and get away from humans. Sometimes I want to quit my job and sit at home with my dogs. period. Sometimes humans completely baffle me and sometimes I baffle myself most of all.
Hi Terri!
I love you humans though. Seriously.
I have the same dream, Christianne. All gathered around the same table with some good food ... can you imagine?? ;o)
I feel you, Terri. Sometimes I feel exactly like those visitors to your blog today who said they feel a little intimidated saying anything in response to posts because everyone else seems to have so many beautiful, poetic things to say. And I say, "Yeah. Me too." Sometimes the words flow, and sometimes they don't. And I like this collective agreement not to be in any pressured place. Just to be. Ahhhh, just the way I like it.
Um, the nap on the couch with your dog? Love it, girl. Perfection.
Kirst, I totally can envision us in a big room, just hanging and laughing and having good conversation and encouragement All Day Long.
Sounds like the perfect day to me. I would love it if we could swing it this side of heaven ... ;o)
And yeah ... feeling ugly and tired today. Feeling like I want to hide & escape myself, like I am a bag of mistakes who shouldn't be allowed in public. Sigh.
Lord have mercy. Forgive me my sin and lead me into the truth and the light.
Hi Terri. I am with you, sister. Particularly today. Today I just want to be alone with a glass of wine & a movie. Today I don't want to talk or explain or justify or ... any of it. Today I want to learn not to wrap myself around my sins; today I want to learn how to forgive myself as God forgives me.
*big deep sigh*
Hi, my name is Nathan, and I'm with Terri.
But you know what? If I ever come off as poetic, witty or whateva, it's because I'm inspired by people like you guys. Something about you lifts me and makes writing effortless most of the time. And, honestly, you guys are about as poetic and witty and wonderful as any people I know.
Outside of Clayton, Tammy and Andrea, no one has ever really read anything I've written. And most of the time, I never even bothered writing something down cause I didn't think it would mean anything to people.
You guys changed that. Really. You read my stuff. You felt me. And you actually said something in response. I can't tell you what that means to me, to be heard by people who have depth.
When I first bumped into you guys (it was Terri first), I was so depressed that I didn’t give a damn about too many things. I had posted a couple of poems about how f***** up (I know that doesn’t make me seem very spiritual or holy, huh?) I was following a breakup that I thought would kill me. I don’t even know how I ran into you guys. I frequent Greg’s blog and just followed some links (I think through Marcia) and came across some stuff you had written. It impacted me.
The poems I had written were just an expression of the pain I was feeling. And I wanted someone to share that pain with me. I asked Terri to take a look. And when I did, I was saying to myself, “This girl is prolly gonna think your some kind of cyber whacko.” But I took a chance, cause I didn’t think it could hurt any more than my feeling alone. She read my words, shared my pain, then accepted me. I know this sounds whack, but that really messed me up (in a good way). Next thing I know, I got all these new friends – and they’re not just any kinda friends – they’re mad deep, love God , , , and are real. Real. Who knew?
I don’t know how Imma be in the future on here. Maybe happy. Maybe sad. Maybe deep. Maybe shallow. Prolly pissed off. Prolly depressed (cause I’m not over what happened to me last year). But always REAL, I hope. Thanks for being real and letting me be that way too. My name is Nathan, and I’m with Terri.
wow, it's getting to be a serious love fest over here. and i really do wish we weren't all scattered all over creation.
christianne: you've got to be kidding. how could a writer like you ever feel intimidated? (and by the way, i'm major bugged about that whole thing...the last thing i want my blog to be is intimidating...BUG!) you write like you're channeling God.
kirsten: oh honey, wouldn't it be great to just watch a movie together? no need for any of that crap (justifying and explaining and all that)...just put your feet up and breathe. and a bag of mistakes?!? who's been messing with you? is someone whispering lies to you? be kind to you sister.
nathan: it's weird isn't it? this whole path we find ourselves on? i'm so glad you found your way here with us. i'm so sorry someone hurt your heart and that it's still hurting. and all those emotions...bring it.
Nate -- the feeling is mutual. I'm reclining here on my couch in a most unattractive fashion and I know I have the advantage of not being on display this way to you all in blogdom, but I do this with a deep conviction that even like this, feeling all tired & worn out & gripey & cranky in my pajamas, you all would still love me.
I'm so glad you reached out to Terri & made the risk to forge that connection. It's how we all found you & now I find myself seeking out your words, wanting them, craving them like you wouldn't believe. I think it's because we've managed to knit ourselves together somehow, to identify with one another's pain and those occasional feelings of freakishness, and somehow ... none of us are scared away. I think we've all found something real here, which I think is pretty rare considering how we've all come to cross paths. I think it points to the hand of God.
For the record, there I things I think and write and feel where I feel f****ed up, too. And sometimes I actually say the word. I read your poems after the first comment I made on your blog & couldn't believe the courage it took not only to delve into the pain like you did to be able to write it, but to put it out there. To put all that heartache and pain out there for people to read, wondering if doing so would make you a sideshow or somehow, somewhere, it would find connection with somebody else out there.
What I'm trying to say very inarticulately is that whatever we've all managed to find here is as real as anything I've ever known and I need whatever it is these connections offer. When I get stuck in my head in those ugly and self-condemning ways, you guys help pull me out of that, give me new ways of seeing things, make me feel like a human being again. You don't gloss it over, but you don't point fingers.
Oh goodness, I could just cry all over the place right now. I'm so thankful for all of this, whatever this is. This is amazing and wonderful and so incredibly special and good and ... I'm running out of words. Hopefully you can read between them and find in the deep and abiding love and appreciation I'm attempting to convey for the truth communicated, for making me feel like I am a fully integrated member of the Body, loved and accepted and challenged and made to look at the face of God.
Love to you. Lots & lots of crazy love from the crazy tired girl in her pajamas.
Ah, Terri!!! You snuck in while I was leaving my last long crazy comment. Bring on the love fests. Can't have too many, I say. :o)
Yeah, someone is whispering lies to me, I think. He whispers and I latch on then barrel downhill like a runaway train. Why are those lies sometimes easier to believe than the truth? I hate that.
And yes, just sitting & watching a movie together sounds terrific. I really wish we weren't scattered over all creation, either. I want you all here with me now. I'd fix you all dinner and we'd laugh & talk & cry & not care what time it was. I'd like that more than anything. Seriously.
it's not too late to add a minnesota stop onto your trip. of course the temperature has been hovering between -15 and zero, so you'd basically have to be out of your flipping gourde to come anywhere near here, but my puppies keep your feet warm by falling asleep on them, so that's not so bad.
Terri, you have no idea how good that sounds to me!! I would love to add a stop to my trip. And then I started laughing, wondering how I'd pack a suitcase for Florida & Minnesota in January. :o)
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