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Perhaps I shouldn't be, but I'm continually surprised at how God is leading me down this new path: the things He points out, the places at which He has me pause and look and take in the landscape before me, the detail He points out, the stones He turns over. I'm closely examining places I've become accustomed to overlooking, finding myself drawn to examine memories of myself that were on dusty shelves of forgetting: memories that at first glance, have no apparent connection to what drove me to this path in the first place.
I'm studying memories of myself that I haven't thought of since I passed through them. I find myself curious in my remembering: not quite afraid, often tenatively comprehending the view. Making notes of what I observe there.
I'm surprised at what reveals itself when pen passes over paper, at the truth once buried so deeply in my consciousness coming so easily to the surface now. One memory leads to another, and to one before that. And so the layers of memory peel back like an onion, revealing the truth beneath. I hand each layer to God, sometimes tentatively, sometimes with eyes squeezed tight and face turned away. But each time His hand comes to my face, and I open my eyes. He gaze locks with mine and peers deeply into to the heart I am still coming to know. There is no reason to be afraid. There is no shame. Just grace and understanding. Love. And so I open my hands and hand these things over to His care.
Really? You want this? You can redeem even this?
I can trust Him with these things.
I can trust Him to lead to the next layer and the next, knowing that only He understands what needs to be uncovered and recovered, acknowledged and surrendered.
As I'm drawn deeper, I wonder what I'll find when the next layer peels away, and where all of this might lead: this journey deeper into knowing myself, this pulling off the white sheets that have been covering and hiding these spaces in my heart.
One day, it will be important for me to share what these things are with you; I know this. I can trust you with these things, too. But for now this path is sacred, the time for revelations still in the realm of not yet.
peder & annie's baby
20 February 2008
penetrating layers of memory
journal photo by kirsten.michelle
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25 comments:
the word that sticks out to me is "redeem" -- I have been thinking about this word a lot...
to restore, to renew, to bring back to an original state...
it is hard to believe, and yet... he does...redeem...all things.
the already and not yet of kirsten
so lovely.
so fully redeemed yet deeper still he finds invitation ... to go further, underneath, alongside, above, inside, every which way in the expanse of your heart ...
all He placed there
mutually cultivated
the depths He will go where there is so much to offer
to receive
to give
i love you so much, sweet sister girl.
the part that brought tears to my eyes is where you wrote of handing each layer to God with eyes squeezed tight and face turned away, and how his hand comes to your face each time and you open your eyes. i felt that experience so acutely as i read your words, could picture you doing this, and him doing that, and then could see my own self doing the same before him, and then receiving his hand on my own face, turning it gently toward himself.
you are such a brave girl. i know i tell you that a lot, but it's true and continues to be true. i am sitting over here, marveling at the journey you are walking and your bravery in facing all of it. and also your faith in him and all his goodness, your willingness to walk in darkness interlaced with light as he reveals more and more to you.
i don't know where this is leading, eithe, but i'm overjoyed to be along with you in it, and thankful that you're writing all of it here.
love to you today.
Wow. I feel like I've been there, in those moments where you hand him something you'd really rather that neither of you ever see. And it's so painful and glorious in the "I have a sucking chest wound that someone's finally going to FIX!" sort of way.
It is sacred...the holy ground where you walk with bare feet and try not to make a sound...walk well, sister-friend.
suz - i have been circling around that word a lot myself.
redeem. redeeming. redeemed.
restore, renew, rejuvenate.
restore.
my mind & my heart are here too. and yes, He does redeem all things. so beautiful.
di - you wrote me a poem!!
he is always going deeper
deeper
deeper ...
even when i think He has reached the bottom, he unturns another stone; points it out to me, and i give it to him.
he is restoring who i'm mean to be.
thank you for your beautiful words.
christianne - somehow i knew the layers aspect would resonate with you deeply. it seems he has been about a similar kind of work with you in the past weeks & months. we both know what it is to carry around these vestiges & smatterings of shame & regret, to wish there weren't these hidden things that need uncovering. that need exposing & redeeming.
redeeming. there is that word again.
thank you for saying i am brave; you see something in me that i don't today. today i am scared & hurting a bit. it won't stymie my obedience, it won't inhibit my resolve to let God go deeper, but it does give me a brick wall to push against, to kick at, to take a pickax at. it saps my energy. i'm so tired.
we are on this path together, & you will always have my hand in the dark, friend. always.
i was talking to tammy today, talking about how much all of us are in these dark places where the enemy presses in close. we are so far from one another & phone calls and blogs are what we have to work with. maybe the distance is one way the power of God is evidencing himself in us: that despite the distance, we can lean in on one another when we feel like we're going to fall down, & thereby hold each other up.
sarah - you had me at "sucking chest wound". it seems so achingly familiar, something i find myself cycling through yet again: exposing my shame, stepping deeper into the dark, trusting that the steps i take are on a path that God has placed me on.
yes, i must walk on, this sacred ground with bare feet.
redeeming~rejuvenating~releasing
I love the picture...with flowers that look familiar, are those these upon handwriting revealing truths of your heart?
together they remind me of this...
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24
inquiring thoughts inspired by words planted by kirsten and watered by jc and all growing together in Christ!
di - OH. MY. WORD. you carry the words of the Lord!!
those are the same flowers, but in my own mind i never made the connection until you mentioned it. what an appropriate piece of scripture!
i let go of my death grip on that space in my heart, allow God to lead me through those spaces in my heart ... & look what is fluorishing & taking root!!
beautiful. God is up to some crazy big kind of GOOD here!!
glory be to GOD!!!!
Kirsten
there is a statement here that you made about trusting God in the dark. Sarah also made reference to this same thing on one of her blogs. I think that is where i am right now and it is really scarey.
There is something fearful and beautiful about the unknown. I believe it is a place in our hearts that only God can go, and it is the place where we crown Him Lord, even of our darkness.
It is a place in our hearts where we kneel to Him, because we see how frail and human we are, how truly dependant we are on a God that is love, even when His love leads us to valleys of pain.
You are on your journey to the heart of God. I like the words you have posted here about the complex tangle of heart, mind, and spirit. You say that you are on a journey through the wilderness of faith toward the heart of God.
I believe that is the sole purpose of our lives and along the journey we stop and take a few travelors with us.
Peace and love go with you as you travel towards God.
tammy, your personhood, inside and out, is positively gorgeous. everything you said right here is so poetic and meaningful and deep and real.
crowning him Lord of our darkness. these words hit me powerfully. it's a willingness to take him into ourselves in every possible place.
i'm with you both -- the sole purpose of our lives is to travel through the wilderness of that life toward God. taking other travelers with us along the way: that is just something powerful beautiful. i'm blessed to be with the two of you on this journey. with everyone here, really. this is the body of Christ.
tammy,
i love you.
it is a scary undertaking, i know. there are times where you feel clouded in shame, you doubt yourself & God, you wonder if any of it is worth it. you can't see your hand in front of your face in the dark. your spiritual landscape is vast & empty, seemingly devoid of any life or movement except for yourself. and while we can band around you & support you, only you can go there. only you can give God permission to take you there; He will never force your hand.
it is dark & it is the wilderness. and while the details will vary from soul to soul, one thing remains the same: God will meet you there. sometimes you won't feel Him, but He will be pressing i close. sometimes you'll want to scream at Him & He'll be the first to understand why. whatever happens, however long it takes, whenever you're ready to start, i can promise you: He will meet you there. there will be bursts of light on your path, things that propel & compel you forward, moments of joy & hope that put wind in your sails. and when you reach that breaking point, when you emerge from that path of darkness at last: it is more joyous & more free than you have ever known before. you will have gone through the fire with Him. and you will be new; He will give you a new name.
tammy, we will be here for you & band around you in whatever way we can. this is what this blog is about, really. that's what this space was for me: a journal about my path in the dark. when you emerge from your darkness tammy, however long it takes, however much it hurts, however many tears you cry, it is not in vain, i promise you. it is scary. but He will meet you there, i promise. and i promise you, it is worth it. you will be more His than ever before.
i read brennan manning's book "ruthless trust" while i was going through my own period of darkness & i can't even begin to tell you how much it met me where i was at. i'll e-mail you some quotes that were markers of my journey along the way.
i love you so much, tammy. i know God has so much for you, & that when you let Him meet you in those dark places, he's going to honor that & be there hedging you in, leading your every step.
christianne, i too love that "crowning him the Lord of our darkness" phrase. so beautiful & so truth-laden. our heroes of the faith were rewarded for their faith not because they had evidence & proof but because they stepped out in faith just because God called them to. God says "go" & they go without knowing where or why or what they'll encounter on the way, only trusting God for the next step & the next after that.
it's dark & it's wild & it's crazy. but there's some crazy kind of goodness & joy & light in the midst of it all.
i love you, sweet friend. my soul is with you tonight. blessings to you & kirk!
-kirsten
grace and blessings. You are a counterpart to the old days of John the Baptist announcing the coming of the MESSIAH. He must have looked at society and wondered if they really got it or understood Jesus in HIs fullness He paid the ultimate price but his reputation for the King has put John the Baptist in the history books.
For you and all our bloggers, it is placing our hearts out there and sharing in life's journeys with others.
And you write like John Eldridge who urges readers to be real and live out life's journey and adventure to the fullest it can throttle up.
Peace
Scott
www.scottrdavis.blogspot.com
just for the record...
"God is going to use those unexpected places in your heart to love other people."
Christianne & Kirsten
That "crowning Him Lord of our darkness" was inspired by Sarah's post about us meeting jesus in the dark if He chooses to meet us there. That statement will forever be in my mind, because at times it is difficult to meet God in the light if it involves pain, but to meet Him in the dark is so impossible, that is when we lean into grace. What you said here Kirsten was beautiful.....that God promises that He will meet us in that place. Oh and i don't know if i can say i love you two enough, but when i do it is heart felt, like yours. I see a pattern with you two, you will stop in the midst of thoughts and say i love you, awwwwww
kirsten, what you wrote here to tammy is AMAZING. wow. totally inspired. totally you. you + God = together goodness and divine amazingness.
tammy, i was thinking about what you said about going with God in the light can be painful but the darkness is scarier still to go into it with him. it made me think how it's a place we can't see. then, when something happens, we KNOW it is God because we're just stranded there in the dark, feeling our way along. anything we find in that darkness as we grope our way along is his grace to us, his putting it in our path as what we need in that moment. it's all him. and that's pretty powerfully good because it means we have no question of his presence when something happens. of course, his presence is also there when we don't see anything happening, but the happening is all the more confirming because we sure know it wasn't anything of us -- we were groping in the dark, unable to see anything, much less do anything profound!
wanna hear a scandalous confession? i get really mad when old stuff gets unearthed and i have to go another round with my history and my demons. i get tired and irritated and not at all godly about it. my first reaction tends to be, "oh for crying out loud...haven't we covered this before?" seriously, it's not pretty. you'd think that with time and experience i would be more pliable and more willing, but honestly i think it's quite the opposite. i want to say i'm done, but i don't think i'll ever be able to say that, and it kind of bugs me. actually, it bugs me a lot.
i don't know where all that came from. i've read this post about four times, and somehow it really poked at me. i love that you are giving yourself permission to keep parts of this to yourself and only bring them out when you're good and ready. i love your willingness. i love your courage. i love you.
terri,
i love you & i love that you're back. you have such keen & perceptive insights & i seriously hang on your words.
truth is, terri ... i'm a little miffed too right now. but i know what God has for me is better than what i'm hanging onto. but seriously, since we're confessing: this latest thing He's brought to my attention: OUCH. big crutch that He's asking me to give up. this is going to be hard. i might write a post about this, & it will be short:
God is asking something difficult of me, to give up a truth i've wrapped myself around for many years. I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GO. THERE.
what else is there to do here but obey? bleh. i have to keep telling myself & trusting that what he has for me is better.
i still don't want to go there.
scott - wow, thanks. wow. a comparison to john eldredge is ... wow. let's just say: jaw on the floor.
di - thank you for echoing those words: for affirming that they're true & for allowing me to share them with you!
tammy - i love you so much & am praying for you. i trust Him with you. and you can trust Him, too. loving you, sister & thinking of you.
christianne - those words came from a place of deep knowing, i think. a place that has met God in the dark. i think you've been there too. knowing what it is to step in the darkness with fear & trepidation. but on the other side of it, knowing in a way that only experience can teach you that God has met you there in a way that only He can.
and i LOVE what you say about how we know that it's Him when it's the dark: because it can't be us, & it can't be any other human being.
IT. CAN. ONLY. BE. HIM.
I read Terri's words and i just had to come back. Yes! I'm finding myself there, too. God has met me before and he will meet me now, in the dark and the fog, but why do I have to keep coming back here?
Because that's where he is, i think.
sarah - i think you're right. God inhabits those dark places.
He's in the light too, of course ... but He deeply & richly inhabits the dark.
and yes ... we keep coming back & back again to allow Him to do His work.
um, i really love the idea for your new post. short and sweet. and to the point. i especially like the part with the caps locks and periods separating each word. i feel you so well in that line alone.
whew...so it's not just me? ;)
speaking of light and dark, the letters of John and the gospel of John make references reference to light dispelling darkness and how the darkness does not know the light. May you be blessed as the look at the aspects of light and darkness.
www.scottrdavis.blogspot.com
terri - you are not alone.
"hi, my name is kirsten, & i really don't like surrendering those dark & hidden places of my heart to God."
[HI, KIRSTEN!!]
;o)
Man Terri and Kirsten i am with ya all the way on that whole do i have to deal with this. Sux sometimes. I am glad that i am not the only one who gets irritated. Looks like we can all be irritated together. Maybe can all have one big PMS party. Okay that was tacky, that other personality of mine....god help it.
Kirsten Ha Ha i am laughing about your rehab chant. That is so funny.
Hi my name is Tammy i have a split personality and i need serious help. I mean that other me needs serious help, i am still in denial and don't need help.
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